Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Playing it "Cool" VERSUS becoming a "Door Matt."

   There is a fine line between playing it "cool"  and allowing men to take the upper hand in an abusive fashion.  Setting a standard at the beginning of any relationship is essential when discovering a potential love interest.   In the dating world holding yourself to a high standard will not only let the other person know what you deserve, but will eliminate the drama out of a questionable situation.  Don't be "shocked"  by mixed signals, rather take your power back and control things in a dignified manner.
  In a perfect world, boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, they date, get married and have a family.  No longer conforming to society, single men and women are beginning to define who they are and what they want out of life regardless of being in a relationship.  This nontraditional standard leaves a lot of room for interpretation.  The rules, when it comes to dating, no longer apply and more then ever, living up to your expectations for yourself are critical.  It sets the tone for how you take care of your body, heart and soul and how men will ultimately treat you.  There is no more time nor room, no matter how much you desire to be in a relationship, for anyone to cross a line where your needs are not met. 
  Winning no longer is defined as getting the "boyfriend" but how you took care of yourself at the end of the day.  Unreturned texts, delayed phone calls and cancelled dates are NOT acceptable.   If playing it "cool" no longer feels "cool," close the door and another is sure to open!  XO XO XO

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

"Gay Dating Challenges Parallel Straight Dating Challenges."

  Hi, my name is T.J.  I have known Orli for almost a decade now and I consider her one of my best friends.  I can't help but to feel that we have so much in common when it comes to dating even though Orli is a straight female and I am a gay male.  Many times the stories seem to relate, just the genders and same sex dynamics are different.   I wanted to add my perspective as a gay male dating in today’s world.   Looking for a partner, gay or straight, there is the “GOOD”, the “BAD” and the “IN-BETWEEN!” I am contributing to Orli’s blog to shed light on the dating struggles gay men face on a daily basis.   NYC is a tuff place to meet men whether you are gay or straight. 
  When I "came out,"  very late I might add, I thought the dating world would be my oyster. Here I am this young, in shape, masculine, athletic, smart guy and it would be a piece of cake finding someone.  Well boy, was I wrong!  So what did I do? I internalized it and kept saying, "What's wrong with me?”
  I have met numerous men and gone on many dates in the past ten years. Gay guys have endless issues too. Some are self loathing homosexuals. Some are in the closet petrified the door will open. Some are married to women and don't tell you till the 5th or 6th date. That one is always a “doozy.”   "Oh by the way, I have a wife and 3 kids, hope you are OK with that," is the typical response I get from a married guy looking for gay companionship.   Drug problems, alcoholism, HIV positive or "status" unknown! These are other hidden demons that don't come out till around the 4th or 5th dates. It almost seems like as gay men we feel such deep seeded guilt about who we are that we find different ways to abuse ourselves physically, emotionally or mentally.
  It was only after my recent birthday party that I came to a realization. I had been on a few dates with a great (or so I thought) guy. He seemed to have so much promise.  He was a young and handsome doctor. He seemed really into me. I said to myself, “OK, let me invite this guy to my birthday party to meet my friends.”   Well the night went awesome.  However, I never heard from that guy again after that night. No return texts, phone calls or explanations!
  Puzzled????? Damn right!
  I have decided the best thing is to put 100 percent of yourself into your true friends, family and those that truly love you. When the right person comes along, it will happen. Until that time comes, I will not beat myself up. Not everything is always your fault. "To thine own self be true!"
Straight, gay, male or female all face the same challenges while dating in NYC.   Hang in there!  Things happen for a reason! :-)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

"Networking" instead of "Hunting," can have a positive impact on cultivating your social life. Be open to the every POSSIBILITY. Explore every OPPORTUNITY.

Women, Free Yourself from Desperation. Stop THINKING like a Lady and ACTING like a Man.


Hi, I'm JAM.  How intriguing it is, 16 years after meeting my first and forever love, one of the most beautiful women I will ever meet in my life (jogging); that I am here writing a post on her relationship blog in 2010.
Seeing this picture brings me back to a simpler time when I focused on love with some reckless abandon. I loved those days, traveling 600 miles each way to visit Orli for the weekend at school. When the weekend ended, I often turned my car around after traveling 50 miles or more, because I just didn’t want to leave her. It was love. 

I’m a lifestyle entrepreneur. I run some of the leading energy, nutrition and fitness lifestyle sites on the Internet, with a big focus on helping people juice up their lives, quality and level of success, by nothing less than thinking and living better. I got into this career by teaching my own struggle.

Today I am single and writing this post with this title in particular, because of the costs of desperation, a story revealed in my recent book, The Curse of the Capable which a Harvard Psychologist asked me to write with him, along with a Superbowl MVP. There you can read my story, but right now I am focused on yours, as a woman.

I thought I would share some of my relationship experience so you ladies will take back your feminine essence, give up on being desperate and indirectly, inspire men, like me, to be even better men.

First of all, it doesn’t matter what gender or what area of life we are speaking of, coming from a place of desperation never ends the way you want it. I know this and so do you, don’t you? In the area of relationships, this couldn’t be truer. In my personal experience this is of extreme significance, especially if you are a woman seeking a relationship in 2010…

I am a formally married man, an “X” in part, because I fell-prey to a desperate woman who felt her “clock” was ticking and who defined herself much by whether or not she had a man. There were other circumstances, like her need for a green card, my need to rescue her to feel better and low grade desperation that I too embodied for other reasons; but nonetheless, desperation, in whatever form it exists is a short cut to a relationship gone badly.
My “X” wife was a wonderful and beautiful woman, a good person. But as I said, desperation can and will likely short circuit ANY relationship because it just won’t develop right.

When it comes to relationships most men are not desperate; there are supposedly way more women than men on this planet and I bet that’s true in NYC too.… have put thousands of attractive women at our finger tips (which is about the most unnatural and confusing thing EVER, but that’s another blog post), and the desire to get married has seriously waned in the past 10-15 years. It seems we’re all getting married later. The question is why?

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that most men (and women for that matter) are working harder than ever, yet unlike most women, we men define ourselves by our ability to “provide” and do that well. We are mission driven, and today, in the most competitive, often marginalizing, environment the world has ever known, it’s more challenging than ever to live our mission especially when a man is not yet clear on it. It's at the heart of being a man. 

Chances are, there are fewer men who are capable of delivering “the good life” we perceive most women want, but dammit we want to provide it, and that’s a big reason why our attention is mostly on work. We simply want to provide in the best way we can with someone we get into relationship with at the right time in our lives. Yeah, maybe it’s after we’ve sown our oats, but I think it’s when we feel we can thrive in a committed relationship with the right woman.  

Women, on the other hand, who are pressed by that biological clock and worried about losing their “girl”, are also in a difficult position. The maternal drive and the ever-present desire for romantic love (I realize this is a generalization about women) in a world where both genders are now in the masculine (work) mode most of the day, has got to be seriously tough on any woman looking for that balance between love, family, support, and a career. In truth this is mutual for both men and women, but the clock, and a story that defines you by whether you have a man in your life or not, can make a woman desperate.

The thing is, you can’t get desperate to get what you want; it rarely works!

At a basic level, men like to chase a woman, (it’s in our genes I think) so getting desperate sells you short on your single biggest point of attraction to men. We want to win you over, not the other way around. The minute you get desperate (not to imply you aren't going to be friendly or share your attraction) you give away your power and we don’t want it.

I'm talking about being too hot on the pursuit to the point where you're wondering his every move. When you give up your power to us, chances are really good it’s going to mean great sex, and then an ending.

As a woman, you are beautiful; revel in that and take care of yourself, your body, your heart and soul. And when and if you meet the right man in the right place in his life and he's attracted to you, you’ll know it. You won’t have to chase him down; he’ll chase you and let him.
I remember chasing Orli when I was 24, for 6 months, before she paid any attention to me other than acknowledging me while jogging on that destined day in 1995. Now she was several years younger than me, and amazingly, she had it right, right from the start. She was thinking like a lady and acting like one too. 

But today, many women are thinking like a lady and acting like a man, a play on comedian Steve’s Harveys', sort of shallow but revealing book “Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man”, and it is not the way (in my opinion) to the relationship you want.

Men are the prime pursuers in my experience, and most of us like it that way. We just don’t commit until we’re ready and today’s world of constant change, has admittedly made commitment more difficult. It’s a very complex world as you know.

When a woman starts pursuing a man because she’s desperate, especially when he is not “ready”, it is not going to end well. He will play you, especially if you don’t have at least a 90 day rule around the “benefits package”. ;-). There are exceptions to this rule, but it’s a good rule of thumb to make sure you actually have a relationship before you start acting like you’re in a full-fledged one.  

What do I mean by ready? I mean, financially solid, emotionally mature and stable with enough character to coalesce with the feminine in this crazy world we live in. These men aren’t exactly hanging out on every corner and it's your job to sort through until you find him and then, if he's attracted to you, let him work for you.
Now this is a short blog, and it’s likely I’ve opened up more doors than I’ve closed, but I am doing my best to open up a dialogue about the realities of developing relationships between men and women these days. Things have changed, and not always for the better, yet to get better, I think we need a return to certain things that just plain work.

I speak from reflective personal experience with women, and hearty conversations with many men who today are sharing their plight too. Yes, men have their own plight these days and it has a lot to do with women acting like men.

I have this strong feeling that many women are not feeling good; in a chivalrous sense... looked out for and protected and committed to the way they really want, while also not being treated like they are weak and feeble in need of being taken care of. Its clear women are very capable of taking care of themselves.  

But is that what you really want, even if you know you can, and do? I don’t think so. I think most women want a great relationship with man who can support the relationship for the most part. (read that again if you are a feminist, before you jump on me). As a man, I know we want a great relationship too, but how we look at relationships and develop one needs some return to days of old, even if the world is hearing you women “roar” like never before.
Here are my tips:

  • Free yourself from desperation.
  • Stop thinking like a lady and acting like a man when it comes to relationships.
  • Don’t give up your feminine essence so essential to being a woman and let a man come to you. And don’t compromise. You’re better off staying single and loving life than capturing an immature man, not ready for that commitment.
It’s a tough balance, for sure, but until women maintain their essence and give up acting like a man (like a hunter) in a desperate pursuit of a relationship, in today’s day and age with men, it’s going to stay tough.

Orli and I are friends today, but I can’t help but recognize her for the shift she’s making away from desperation and into one of being open for the right relationship at the right time, with the right man, and nothing less.
You can learn more about Orli's Transparent Thoughts on relationships at 

Friday, November 5, 2010

"Congratulations on your BLOG,"

  my client said to me the other day while I was in his office. I was elated!  To be recognized for something I am passionate about versus getting married or engaged is life changing for me.  Honestly, I never thought in a million years that I would ever hear the word "congratulations" unless I had finally found a boyfriend, husband, had a baby (or changed my relationship status on facebook :D).
  Just several months ago, as I walked into one of my offices I had no choice but to lie that I was engaged.  "Orli, I am so happy for you! You did it! You made your deadline," an office manager squealed  from behind the desk.  My surprise announcement would halt the endless list of questions about my personal life.  Then she glanced down at my hand.  "Where is your ring?" was her next remark.  I replied that more stones were being added at the jeweler because it simply was not big enough.  "I'll show you next time," I said.  I never went back to that office.   Being congratulated under false pretenses "didn't do it for me" and I most certainly didn't deserve that kind of treatment for being a single girl. 
  Being single is a "blessing in disguise" because you can really take the time to invest and indulge in your life's purpose.  Personally, this "blessing" will never replace finding a mate.  However, the slight shift to devote more time to "me" has brought a sense of balance, hope and control. 
  Choosing to celebrate your single status with what is inspiring to you,  releases the power to embrace your independent lifestyle.  The desperation to "squeeze" yourself into a relationship fades and a new life for you begins. The last time I checked, wedding dresses are not being sold out in the bridal salons.   For now,  I love writing my blog! XOXOXOXO.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

PRIVACY takes the pressure off your "Dating Life."

  Your friends are essential but sometimes we are our own worst enemies.  Dating is a delicate subject when you are dating and your affairs are your own business.  When it comes to new prospects,  telling your pals about that special someone increases the pressure on you and on your date consciously or subconsciously.   Here are two ways speaking too soon can influence your love life.
  You may or may not connect with this new person on a first date and having to explain the reasons as to why it didn't work out can become a frustrating experience.  However, if you keep it to yourself, you can move on calmly and not have to relive the "drama."  The next scenario is that you actually had a great time.  Terrific news!  On the other hand, if you tell your friends about this amazing person early on, the hassle to follow up could sabotage your new found relationship.  Privacy gives you the peace of mind to see where it goes at your own pace!
  Being able to share your life with your friends is a wonderful and beautiful thing.  However, considering that dating is a personal adventure, maybe holding back might serve you better in the long run.  Maintaining a quiet mind without outside influences helps you find your center when you are on your search for love.  Tell your friends about your new romance later!  I am quite sure they will understand and will still adore you! XOXOXO

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

"Mapping Out" the NYC social scene VERSUS "Hanging Out."

  As a single woman in NYC, more often the not, choosing a hot spot to socialize becomes a very tricky situation.  The ratio of men to women, timing and day of week is the  most "simple" way I can describe our "fascinating " social city.
 You want to make sure that the venue is appealing to men.  It has to be  an alluring location where if the crowd is not as charming as you thought,  you can hop, jump skip, RUN or cab it to the next best option!  
  Going out during the week is another aspect of enhancing your chances to meet captivating NYC locals and professionals.  NYC socialites choose the week days over the weekends.  However,  during the week, you don't want to waste your time.  The pressure to make the most out of your night can become very complicated.  Most likely you have work the next morning!
  Timing is one more thing to consider when deciding which location to commit to for the evening.  Is this place a happy hour bar or an after hours lounge?  If you go at the wrong time, you could potentially miss the opportunity to meet the "right" people.   
  "Hanging out" in this city is becoming more complex then what it should be.  At times, I'm even exhausted at the thought of planning a night out with my girls.   Being strategic in putting yourself in the right places has its advantages but then the fun disappears.  When the fun disappears your ability to be fun, open minded and appealing vanishes.  Not every night in NYC is going to be a life changing experience.    Don't get caught up in the " going out drama."  Once in a blue moon wouldn't "hanging out" be the healthiest option?

Monday, November 1, 2010

"Matchmaker Matchmaker I'm willing to Settle." A musical guide to Internet dating.

Nikki MacCallum makes her cabaret debut this season in a musical comedy about the cynical and skeptical world of Internet dating.   Nikki takes you step by step on the rules of Internet dating on one girl's quest to find a boy.  The song selection portrays the harsh realities of sifting through profiles, instant messaging and finding romance on various dating websites.  She sings "Dieter's Prayer" while eating a bucket of chicken wings from Boston Market and begs God for self-control so she can continue to look attractive for future men on the Internet. 
Clearly, these are different times  in our culture if a musical is being made to cast a light on the difficulties of meeting Mr. Right.  At the end of the show she commented that this was the most challenging role she ever had to play as an actress because it mimicked the experiences of her own dating life.  She did a wonderful job painting a woman's struggle to find love without compromising what she has to offer as a hip, smart young woman in today's world.