Hi, my name is T.J. I have known Orli for almost a decade now and I consider her one of my best friends. I can't help but to feel that we have so much in common when it comes to dating even though Orli is a straight female and I am a gay male. Many times the stories seem to relate, just the genders and same sex dynamics are different. I wanted to add my perspective as a gay male dating in today’s world. Looking for a partner, gay or straight, there is the “GOOD”, the “BAD” and the “IN-BETWEEN!” I am contributing to Orli’s blog to shed light on the dating struggles gay men face on a daily basis. NYC is a tuff place to meet men whether you are gay or straight.
When I "came out," very late I might add, I thought the dating world would be my oyster. Here I am this young, in shape, masculine, athletic, smart guy and it would be a piece of cake finding someone. Well boy, was I wrong! So what did I do? I internalized it and kept saying, "What's wrong with me?”
I have met numerous men and gone on many dates in the past ten years. Gay guys have endless issues too. Some are self loathing homosexuals. Some are in the closet petrified the door will open. Some are married to women and don't tell you till the 5th or 6th date. That one is always a “doozy.” "Oh by the way, I have a wife and 3 kids, hope you are OK with that," is the typical response I get from a married guy looking for gay companionship. Drug problems, alcoholism, HIV positive or "status" unknown! These are other hidden demons that don't come out till around the 4th or 5th dates. It almost seems like as gay men we feel such deep seeded guilt about who we are that we find different ways to abuse ourselves physically, emotionally or mentally.
It was only after my recent birthday party that I came to a realization. I had been on a few dates with a great (or so I thought) guy. He seemed to have so much promise. He was a young and handsome doctor. He seemed really into me. I said to myself, “OK, let me invite this guy to my birthday party to meet my friends.” Well the night went awesome. However, I never heard from that guy again after that night. No return texts, phone calls or explanations!
Puzzled????? Damn right!
I have decided the best thing is to put 100 percent of yourself into your true friends, family and those that truly love you. When the right person comes along, it will happen. Until that time comes, I will not beat myself up. Not everything is always your fault. "To thine own self be true!"
Straight, gay, male or female all face the same challenges while dating in NYC. Hang in there! Things happen for a reason! :-)